If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
You have been warned.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
