Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

don’t message me unless you have this energy

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”