If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
hmm conte-me mais
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.