If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
You Might Also Like
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.