Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

Pickled cat.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”