If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I just tested negative for patience.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
wish me luck lads
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
PARKOUR
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*