If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Goodnight 🐶
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
