Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.