Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?