If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
selfie game
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me