if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
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Wednesday
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
The fall of Netflix
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…