if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
PLEASE READ
neighborhood watch
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
