if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
