if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
