If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
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(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.