If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
You Might Also Like
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.