@aveuaskew

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

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@haleysfalling

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

@AngelaEhh

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

@Cryborg2000

[calling my cousin while babysitting his kids] yo the one with the ski mask and the knife is refusing to go to bed

@Marlebean

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

@KKAlThani

“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people

@novicefather

I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.

@WilliamAder

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

@DadandBuried

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

@SvnSxty

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

@PaperWash

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!