If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that