If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
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Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
You look like you would fail a DNA test
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen