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One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like