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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…