Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

crazy

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet