Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?