Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Meow

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.