Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

Brb my Sims are getting married

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.