Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Breaking news:

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

lol

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

✌🏽

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.