Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.