Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

The booster protects against what, now?

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.