If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You Might Also Like
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.