If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You Might Also Like
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.