If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
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3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Oh the world we live in…
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”