If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
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do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
A comic by Dan Piraro
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly