Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.