If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.