If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
When you let grandma cat sit
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.