If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
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i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Good morning
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos