If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
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Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.