If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
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Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers