If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic