If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Just grow your own
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?