Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

sry

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

<- sleeps well with others

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

The hardest thing Vision has to do

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials