If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
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Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.