If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
That’s what I call a flat tire
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
The cycle continues
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep