Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

Support your local cemetery

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

what my late-night hot pocket sees

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.