If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
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Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
A comic by Dan Piraro
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car