If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
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Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
This will never not be funny 😭
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Who knew!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*