Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

good for her

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.