Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”
No, I’m just here for the free CNN.
My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Does a litter box count as a guest bathroom?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.