If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
鈿笍馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛
馃煝鈿笍鈿笍馃煛鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煝
馃煣鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
鈿笍馃煝馃煛鈿笍馃煣
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍鈿笍
鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煛馃煝
馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煣鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煝not wordle, just some fried rice 鈽猴笍
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend鈥檚 younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can鈥檛 abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!