@OrangeFact

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

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@TheLeslieMommy

Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”

No, I’m just here for the free CNN.

@markleggett

My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

@gary_augustine

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

@IamEnidColeslaw

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

@internetluke

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

@iinkedZombie

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

@ramjitsingh_

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.