Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!