if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
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“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.