Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad