Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We like the way Dwight thinks

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

o shit

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.