Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house