if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?