if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
english majors be like furthermore