if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Lucky old June.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Just me and my debit card against the world
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
scrabbled eggs
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.