If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
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Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Hell yeah 👍
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*