If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
You Might Also Like
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Pizza is an emotion right?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.