If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
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credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Brb my Sims are getting married
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.