If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.