If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch