Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.