If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
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“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.