Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this