Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch