If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
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Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
