Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Its a hippotatomus

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

it takes so much energy

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.