Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

murder on the timeline

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.