If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
