Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

how it started vs how it ended

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.