Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

listen closely

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed