if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
As the Lord intended
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.