if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round