If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
You Might Also Like
I self medicate, therefore you live.
sleeping beauty
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”