Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

👻

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

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The Chosen Phew

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”