If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
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i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
How did we not see this back then?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude