If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
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GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.