If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I try
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.