If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.