Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.