If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
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Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
sounds kinky. i’m in.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
That’s no pocket rocket.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone